To Be Forgiven
by Fuyukichi
Summary: Spoiler warning, set six months after the game. Alvin can't stop to think about what he had done to his friends, especially to Leia. He wants to be forgiven and he only knows one way. Rating T for suicide theme. Hint of Alvin/Leia


**Disclaimer **: _Tales of Xillia doesn't belong to me. What a pity~ _

**Author's note :** _I'm sorry for the title, I'm not sure it's good, but it's the only one I could think. I wrote this last night, before going to bed. I hope you'll like it! _

_English isn't my native langage, but I hope it will be okay (don't hesitate to tell me if there are some things to fix. I don't bite, I promise!)_

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**To Be Forgiven**

The memories of this day haunted him. Every day, they came, reminding him what he has done. Nightmares filled his nights and, sometimes, he couldn't sleep at all. It was like if his brain didn't want him to forget about what happened six months ago, about what he has done. He could still see his gun, aimed at the girl. He could still see the bullet touched her, and the girl who fell on the ground, in front of his childhood friend, in front of his _own_ eyes. How could he have done this? And how could she have forgotten him?

Alvin sighed while looking at the sea. The wind hit his face and he closed his eyes. When the face of Leia appeared on his thoughts, he opened them.

Of course, she didn't forget him completely. It was obvious that she was still felt strange around him, and he didn't blame her. He couldn't even face himself in the mirror. The night, nightmares haunted him and, the day, he thought about it, wondered if everything was okay while being like this. The answer was "no". Nothing would really be fine if he didn't do something. But he didn't know what. Talking with Leia was the best thing to do, he thought, but he couldn't face the girl, and he knew that it wouldn't erase what happened. So, he has thought about something else.

Alvin stood up and came close to the sea. Today, the haven was calm, nobody could be seen. A little smile appeared on his lips while his eyes, full of sadness, looking at the blue water, knowing what to do. It was the only thing to do, the only thing he could do to being forgiven. Thus, the mercenary closed his eyes and prepared himself to jump. He took a deep breath and…

The mercenary distanced himself from the edge. His heart was beating very quickly, and he was sweating a lot. He came back to the bench where he was some minutes ago and, after a while, he took his head on his hand. Alvin didn't understand what happened. The fear of dying and Leia's smile had hit him and he was suddenly unable to jump. Why? He had to jump, it was the only way, wasn't it? So why didn't he have jumped?

Alvin raised his head and looked at the sky. He didn't move for a while, thinking about what just happened. When he heard voices, he looked at the people and listened to them. They were lovers, judging by their interwoven fingers.

"What do you want to eat, this noon?"

"Everything will be okay, honey. I love your cooking."

And then, other people came – they looked like friends, this time.

"I'm hungry! The last who comes back at home will be the one who will cook!" A girl said.

Alvin's eyes widened. The girl reminded him of Leia and, now, he understood why he couldn't jump. It wasn't because he was a coward or else, it was because he couldn't die. Not yet. Dying meant not being able to see Leia again, to see her smile, to hear her voice. Dying meant give up every people he loved. He wouldn't be forgiven of everything he had done if he died. No, his death wouldn't resolve what he had done; it wouldn't explain _why_. No, he would only leave an empty place and questions without answers. _They'll only hate me more, _he thought. He had to live, to bear his sins. If he wanted to be forgiven, he had to live. It was the only way.

Feeling suddenly alive, he stood up and began to walk. Now, he understood, and that's why that the first thing Alvin wanted to do was to talk with Leia. After that, when he would be sure that he was totally forgiven – and he was sure that it would take a long long time – , he would be able to live happily.


End file.
